The Big Bang Theory: The Dinner Party Convergence - Prologue
by jfrankliniv
Summary: Amy's hosting her first dinner party for the group. After sketching numerous scenarios across various whiteboards, she's meticulously conceived of every possible eventuality - except, of course, for Penny and Leonard feuding again, Howard and Bernadette's discomfort, Sheldon's cluelessness - and why did Raj have to pick THIS evening to change his image with her gay friend present?
1. Chapter 1

_The Dinner Party Convergence Prologue J. Franklin  
_

** THE DINNER PARTY CONVERGENCE**

**PROLOGUE**

_(SCENE: The university cafeteria. HOWARD, LEONARD, and SHELDON are seated at their usual table. RAJ slowly saunters up, drops his platter loudly on the table, sits and sighs. He is sporting a prominent shiner on his left eye.)_

LEONARD: What the hell happened to you?

RAJ: I don't want to talk about it.

HOWARD: (Pauses) Okay. (Turns back to LEONARD and SHELDON) So, anyway –

RAJ: (Interrupts) I got punched –

SHELDON: Really? We had no idea!

LEONARD: How'd it happen?

RAJ: A miscommunication.

SHELDON: Don't you mean a misunderstanding? A miscommunication is typically used when referring to correspondence rather than conversation –

RAJ: That's why I used it.

HOWARD: What do you mean?

RAJ: (Sighs) You know how I've been trying to communicate with women through e-mails and text messages since I can't talk to them? Well, look what happens now when I try THAT! (_Hands smart phone to LEONARD. LEONARD looks down at phone_.) I was texting this girl in my lab, and I wanted to see if she would be up for going downtown with me –

LEONARD: (Reading phone) "Would you be up for going down on me?"

RAJ: (Shakes his head) Damn autocorrect.

HOWARD: So, I'm guessing her answer was no?

LEONARD: Didn't you explain it was just a mistake?

RAJ: How? I would need to be able to talk to do that!

SHELDON: So, is that why you missed the department meeting this morning?

RAJ: No, I missed that because I had another meeting.

HOWARD: Another meeting?

RAJ: Yes. On the plus side, I'm on a first name basis with several new women now; but the bad part is they all work in human resources. Trouble is, I can't talk to them, either! I'm on my way to being brownlisted here!

HOWARD: Don't you mean blacklisted?

RAJ: Sure. If you're racist about it.

LEONARD: Well, hold on. I mean, you've made some pretty good progress. You can talk to Penny, Bernadette, and Amy now. Maybe you just need to build on that confidence!

RAJ: How? Whenever I try to talk to a women, my mouth just stops working! (Pauses. Takes smart phone back from LEONARD.) And after this, I think my fingers are going to stop working, too.

HOWARD: Hmm. That's not going to help.

RAJ: (Glares at him) Thanks, man. Glad to know you've got my back with your jokes.

LEONARD: He's just trying to help –

RAJ: I don't need help! I need a solution! I can't go through my entire life being unable to talk to women! They're fifty percent of the population and one hundred percent of the subject group I want to sleep with!

LEONARD: Maybe your problem is referring to them as a "subject group."

SHELDON: No, I think he's using the term correctly. He obviously wants to study them and their behavior, but he's having difficulty modifying his own behavior in a way that doesn't interfere with the scientific observation, thus nullifying his chances at arriving at a sound hypothesis –

RAJ: Oh, put a sock in it, man.

LEONARD: Hey, hey. Take it easy.

RAJ: (Angry) I'm tired of taking it easy! I'm sick of this! I need to make a change somehow!

HOWARD: (Pauses) This doesn't involve surgery, does it?

RAJ: No, not that kind of change. I mean, I need to change my image. You know, like Elliott did on "Scrubs" when she vamped herself up?

HOWARD: So, your plan to make a change as a man involves following in the footsteps of a fictitious character on a canceled sitcom who is FEMALE?

RAJ: (Shrugs) I have to start somewhere, man. (Stands up) I'm going to go clothes shopping and get some new threads. (_Leaves_)

LEONARD: We need to do something to help him.

SHELDON: I disagree. In times like these, I often find it's best to leave well enough alone and let people sort out their own problems.

HOWARD: Maybe his problem is he needs to hear from women about how to talk to them.

LEONARD: Hmm. You might be right.

SHELDON: That's actually an excellent suggestion, Howard.

HOWARD: Thanks, Sheldon. It's nice to actually be getting a compliment from you.

SHELDON: Yes. And it's all the more impressive given your limited educational background –

HOWARD: (Smiles tightly) Couldn't leave it alone at the compliment, could you?

LEONARD: Well, wait a sec. We're all getting together at Amy's tonight for dinner, right? Maybe the girls could talk with him about some ways to build his confidence.

SHELDON: (Thinks) I don't know if that's such a good idea.

LEONARD: Why not?

SHELDON: This is Amy's first dinner party for us as a couple. I think it might be a bit much to add further anxiety to what's already been a very stressful situation for her. (Picks at food.) Oh, and by way of extension for me.

HOWARD: Stressful?

SHELDON: (Frowns at him) Of course. (_Begins counting on fingers_.) Amy is female, so there's the calorie count that has to be considered regarding any potential food item. Then there's the timing issue for spacing out the courses, there's the actual menu itself with the ethnically appropriate food selections given that one guest is Jewish and the other is Hindu, the size and number of the appetizers, the pairing of the beverages, the seating arrangements that need to be made according to current relationships and height of the guests –

LEONARD: What? Sheldon, it's just the SIX OF US!

SHELDON: Exactly. We came up with almost thirty different criteria that needed to be addressed. When you multiply that by the number of guests, you get over 180 various and often conflicting demands. Trying to arrange them in a way that achieves maximum satisfaction while minimizing the potential for social conflict or embarrassment took almost three whiteboards.

HOWARD: (Deadpans) Is it too late to have a schedule conflict?

SHELDON: Yes.

LEONARD: Well, I'm sure it will all be fine!

SHELDON: I know. Our minds reviewed all the possibilities and statistical likelihoods. We left absolutely nothing to chance.

_(Cut to: AMY'S apartment. She is standing in front of three enormous whiteboards with various diagrams and criss-crossing arrows. BERNADETTE and PENNY are standing with her.)  
_

AMY: (Staring hopelessly at whiteboards and sighing) This is going to be a disaster.

4


	2. Chapter 2

_The Dinner Party Convergence Prologue J. Franklin  
_

** THE DINNER PARTY CONVERGENCE**

**ACT I**

_(SCENE: AMY's apartment. BERNADETTE and PENNY are with AMY as she frets about the upcoming dinner party. There are three huge whiteboards with multiple arrows and diagrams across each. AMY is clearly distraught and holding a notepad and magic marker.)_

BERNADETTE: I don't understand. What's wrong?

AMY: (Aghast. Nods toward whiteboards) Isn't it obvious? (PENNY and BERNADETTE take step back and look at the drawings and diagrams. They shake their heads.)

BERNADETTE: (Meekly) No!

AMY: (Sighs) Look. (_Takes her back to first whiteboard and begins tracing arrows._) First, we start with the fact that there are three couples plus Raj, each of different ethnicities and food preferences. Then we add the religious elements for Raj and Howard –

BERNADETTE: But Howard doesn't keep kosher! And Raj eats beef all the time!

AMY: (Sighs again) Yes, but as hostess I am required to show respect for guests' sensitivities – they can ignore them on their own, but I have to be more courteous! To do otherwise would be socially ungracious!

PENNY: (Trying to be helpful) I really don't think –

AMY: (Ignoring her) But then there are also the appetites to consider. Some guests will be larger and thus hungrier, some will be – (_Looks at BERNADETTE_) – more height restricted. (_Pauses_) And then there are the non-religious dietary restrictions!

PENNY: (Snaps fingers) Leonard's lactose intolerance!

AMY: Right! (PENNY beams. AMY traces more arrows on whiteboard.) Which means any dairy product is out for dessert along with any cheese side dishes for appetizers.

BERNADETTE: What about just worrying about the main course and letting people bring their own appetizers?

AMY: (Amazed) Are you crazy?! With beef and pork off the menu, that leaves us with only lamb, chicken, or vegetarian as options. Sheldon is from east Texas. Meat is not a staple there; it's a mandatory dietary requirement! So that leaves me with chicken or lamb. And since I have no lamb recipes –

PENNY: Then just do chicken!

AMY: (Pauses) I can see I'm going to have to slow this down for both of you. (_Traces finger to second whiteboard_) None of my mother's recipes for chicken pass the health test since they're all FRIED.

BERNADETTE: What about just serving pasta?

AMY: (Glares) You really don't think I've thought this through, do you? Pasta means too many carbohydrates when added to the breads, appetizers, and desserts! It also has to be served with sauce, which statistically speaking always has a _(Scribbles on board from paper notepad in other hand_) 42.6% chance of staining at least one houseguest after he or she consumes (_Checks pad again and turns page to write once more on whiteboard_) 2.5 glasses of wine. Which brings me to – (_Traces to third whiteboard_) – the complimentary beverage choices.

PENNY: At this point, I think any alcohol will be fine, Amy.

AMY: No, because I won't know wine what to pair with until I know what we're serving for dinner first!

PENNY: (Sighs) No, I meant like right NOW, Amy!

AMY: (Sighs and shakes head) You have it so easy because of your sexuality. You have no idea what it's like for the rest of us.

BERNADETTE: Amy, don't you think maybe you're overdoing this just a little?

AMY: Overdoing it? OVERDOING IT?! Oh, please! (_Camera follows her across the set to her table. We see seven size-appropriate, crash-test dummies seated around the table, each with a wig corresponding to a character. RAJ's wears a brunette wig, HOWARD's sports a Beatle haircut, BERNADETTE's features a blond wig with pink-framed glasses, LEONARD's wears black horn-rimmed glasses, AMY's has long brown hair, SHELDON'S wears a "Flash" t-shirt while PENNY's is overly endowed with another blond wig._) Do you have ANY idea how long the seating arrangements took me to plan just by themselves? I had to take into consideration not only the height of the guests but also the nature of their relations with one other on a social scale AND to me as hostess without offending anyone's sensitivities. (_Pauses_) Sheldon said the math alone took almost three hours! (_Sits and begins hyperventilating_)

PENNY: Okay, okay. Calm down. We'll help you with this. Everything will be fine.

AMY: Easy for you to say. You're blond and can always rely on your boobs for distraction.

PENNY: (Pauses) Hmm. Actually, I think I know another way we can distract people.

BERNADETTE: What's that?

PENNY: Well, it's an old trick I learned back in high school –

AMY: Which is?

PENNY: Get them bombed so they won't know the difference.

AMY: (Quizzical) My mother always said never to look to alcohol as a solution.

PENNY: Don't think of it as a solution. Think of it as more of a…social catalyst!

AMY: What do you mean?

PENNY: Well, I think the gang will be happy with whatever food you decide to make. Bernadette and I can take care of the appetizers and desserts – we'll make sure to have a variety so you can focus on the dinner – and Bernadette can help you pick out the wines for tonight.

AMY: But how will we know which ones we need?

PENNY: (Answering quickly) We'll just get a few of each and we'll be fine! (Pauses and says quietly to BERNADETTE) Just be sure you get lots of bottles!

AMY: (Unsure) I don't know…

PENNY: Well, there's also the potential side benefit to consider…

AMY: Which is?

PENNY: (Voice goes up in pitch) Welllll, since the beginning of time people have been using food and drink with lots of alcohol to lure members of the opposite sex…(_Smiles. Nods_.)

AMY: You're suggesting I use tonight's dinner party as a launching pad so my guests can have an orgy in my apartment?

PENNY: No, not an orgy for your guests. But maybe to help loosen some inhibitions for one guest in particular?

AMY: (Thinking it through) Oh. OH! (_Smiles_) Oh, but wait! Sheldon doesn't drink!

PENNY: No, Sheldon doesn't KNOWINGLY drink!

AMY: (Frowns) Are you suggesting I use alcohol surreptitiously to impair my boyfriend's judgment for illicit purposes?

PENNY: (Deadpans) Pretty much, yeah.

BERNADETTE: (Nodding) That's what it sounded like to me!

AMY: (Pauses. Nods energetically.) I'm in! What do we have to do?

PENNY: Well, here's what I would suggest…

_(Dissolve to: PENNY's apartment. LEONARD is watching television and visibly frustrated. He is wearing a jacket, collared shirt, and jeans. PENNY is in the back room.)_

LEONARD: I don't know why you can't just pick something out. We're going to be late!

PENNY: (Irritated) I told you. This is important for Amy, so I want to make sure I look good but not so good that I look like I'm trying to show her up as the hostess!

LEONARD: But no one's going to care what you're wearing!

PENNY: Not the right thing to say to your girlfriend, Leonard!

LEONARD: No, I mean…(Sighs) Look, we're always getting together for dinner. Why should tonight be any different?

PENNY: Because it's Amy's first dinner party and she's nervous!

LEONARD: But why does that have to affect us?

PENNY: Because it does! (Emerges wearing a tight black cocktail dress.) What do you think?

LEONARD: (Looks only momentarily) You look fine.

PENNY: (Nods, irritated) Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say. (_Pauses)_ Now I have to go try on something else just to piss you off some more.

LEONARD: (Losing his temper) Oh, for crying out loud! No one is going to be paying any attention to what you're wearing!

PENNY: (From back room) Women will!

LEONARD: But it's just Bernadette and Amy!

PENNY: Girlfriends are the harshest judges, Leonard!

LEONARD: (Looks at watch) What time are we supposed to be there again?

PENNY: Seven thirty!

LEONARD: It's nearly ten of!

PENNY: Relax. Bernadette is with Amy, so even if we're a bit late, everything's going to be alright!

_(Dissolve to: AMY's apartment. BERNADETTE is opening the door for PENNY and LEONARD, who are not looking at one another. BERNADETTE sighs.)_

BERNADETTE: I'm so glad you guys are here! Things aren't well at all!

LEONARD: (Irritated) Yeah, well, they're not going so well for some of us, either.

PENNY: (Equally upset) Give a rest, Leonard!

BERNADETTE: What took you guys so long?

LEONARD: Ask Penny!

PENNY: (To BERNADETTE) I had a hard time picking out an outfit for tonight.

BERNADETTE: (Eyes widen in sympathy) Oh, that's okay then. I know just how you feel. (LEONARD rolls eyes)

LEONARD: Where's the bar?

BERNADETTE: (Points across room) It's over there. Howard's there now. (_Turns to PENNY_) Can I see you for a moment?

PENNY: Sure, but I'm going to need to hit the bar myself soon.

BERNADETTE: Funny you should mention that. That's sort of what I want to talk to you about –

_(Cut to: The inside of AMY's bedroom. PENNY and BERNADETTE enter. Slowly the camera pans across the room. Several outfits are strewn all over place. In the corner we see AMY slumped over in a chair unconscious, an empty bottle of wine next to her.)_

PENNY: (Aghast) Oh, my God! What happened?

BERNADETTE: Well, I took her wine shopping, and she wanted to make absolutely sure all the wines were suitable, so we started doing a tasting –

PENNY: Okay, but how much did you taste?!

BERNADETTE: Um, all of them, I think. (Pauses) By the end it wasn't even an official tasting. It was more of an Amy-wants-to-start-opening-bottles-on-her-own-and- do-a-personal-test kind of tasting!

PENNY: (Looking back at AMY) Oh, my GOD! How much did she have?!

BERNADETTE: I don't know! But before we left she invited one of her lab assistants to join us for dinner –

PENNY: (Narrows gaze) Which lab assistant?

BERNADETTE: It's okay. It's Steve.

PENNY: Gay Steve?

BERNADETTE: Is there more than one Steve at the lab?

PENNY: Never mind. So, what else happened?

BERNADETTE: Well, by the time we got back home, she was singing and saying something about her toothbrush being overdue for a biological replacement. (Pauses) Do you know what that means?

PENNY: (Pauses) Ah, yeah. I think I do. But let's talk about that later! Can she walk?

BERNADETTE: I don't know!

PENNY: Okay, I'll see if I can get her on her feet. You go back to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee!

BERNADETTE: Okay. And I better tell Howie to go easy on the drinks – he's playing bartender tonight!

PENNY: You let HOWARD be bartender?

BERNADETTE: (Nods guiltily) He's needed a hobby ever since he came back from space! This seemed like something that would keep him occupied!

PENNY: (Pauses in doorway) Great. Amy's already drunk and Howard Wolowitz has access to free alcohol. What could possibly be wrong with the rest of this picture?

_(Cut to: HOWARD before a collection of liquor bottles shaking a cocktail. He has several glasses lined up in front of him.)_

HOWARD: (To himself) Okay, Howard J. Wolowitz, engineer extraordinaire, Halo champion, and role model for Jewish astronauts everywhere, time to get your alcohol freak on! _(Removes lid from shaker and strains drinks across glasses_. _Smiles._) Outstanding! (Pauses) Now, if only I could remember what I put in them…

_(LEONARD appears behind him holding his glass.)_

LEONARD: Hey, Howard? Which way to the bathroom?

HOWARD: (Without turning to face him) Down the hall, second door on the right.

LEONARD: Thanks. (Turns away)

_(A knock is heard at the door. HOWARD opens it to reveal STEVE. He is tall and dressed in khakis with a collared shirt.)_

HOWARD: (Recognizing him) Oh, hey, Steve. C'mon in. Bernadette said Amy told her you were coming.

STEVE: Thanks. (They shake hands)

HOWARD: Good to see you again.

STEVE: You, too. How are things in the engineering circles?

HOWARD: Well, to tell you the truth, everything's been kind of boring –

STEVE: (Rolls eyes and finishes sentence with him) – since you got back from space. I got it.

HOWARD: Can I pour you a drink? I make a mean grasshopper!

STEVE: Oh, please. It's like all straight people ever think. You know, every gay guy on the planet has to like fruity, light-colored drinks!

HOWARD: Okay, what else would you prefer?

STEVE: Chardonnay, please.

HOWARD: Coming right up. (Moves back to bar and pours glass of wine.)

STEVE: (Looking around) So, where is everybody?

HOWARD: The girls are all in the back. Something about a wine tasting gone wrong, but I didn't get the full story. Here. (Hands him wine.)

STEVE: Thanks.

HOWARD: So, Bernadette tells me you're single now?

STEVE: (Rolls eyes) Yeah. And please don't try and set me up with anyone. I'm so sick and tired of straight friends trying to play matchmaker!

HOWARD: (Lifts hand) Perish the thought! Just trying to make idle conversation.

STEVE: Well, truth be told, I'm actually okay just being single for now, you know?

HOWARD: Tell me about it. Before Bernadette, I'd given up on women. (Pauses) Well, not as a gender, you know, but –

STEVE: Relax. I know what you mean. Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier if I were straight!

HOWARD: Really? Because I always thought gay guys had it easier. You both have the same body types, you both know what the other prefers, you never have to worry about hormonal overloads once a month –

STEVE: (Shakes head) Oh, trust me. Gay men can be just as bitchy as women.

HOWARD: (Amazed) Wow. I never thought of it like that.

(_Another knock at the door._)

HOWARD: (Getting up as BERNADETTE enters from AMY'S bedroom to make coffee) I'll get it.

STEVE: But yeah, right now, I just want to be single and unattached. No more worrying about relationships for a while! I just want to relax and have fun.

_(HOWARD opens the door. RAJ enters. He is clad head to toe in studded black leather attire and boots. His hair is greased back and he struts through the door._)

RAJ: What's up, dude?

HOWARD: (Surprised) What's – what's with all the getup?

RAJ: You like it? I got this outfit today. It's like I told you. It was time for a change. I had to stop pretending and just embrace who it is I really want to be!

HOWARD: A refugee from a Village People tribute group?

RAJ: No, dude! The real me! The old Raj was always afraid to talk to women, but now that I'm free, I can do whatever I want. I never have to worry about being uncomfortable around women again!

STEVE: (Overhearing) Um, hello? (_Rises to feet_)

RAJ: (Turns to him) Oh, hello.

STEVE: (Extends hand) Steve Zelinsky.

RAJ: (Shaking hands) Rajesh Koothrappali.

_(BERNADETTE emerges from the back room and sees RAJ. She motions to HOWARD.)_

BERNADETTE: Um, Howard? Can I see you for a second?

HOWARD: Pardon me, guys. The little woman calls! (Walks over to BERNADETTE) What's up?

BERNADETTE: (Glances past him) What's going on? Why is Raj dressed like that?

HOWARD: (Glances over shoulder) To be honest, I'm not really sure. But this should be interesting tonight.

BERNADETTE: (Angry) Howie! I'm not so sure this is really a good idea.

HOWARD: (Confused) What do you mean?

BERNADETTE: Well, you know. Raj all dressed up in that biker getup and Steve having just broken up with his boyfriend last week –

HOWARD: Oh, relax! What could possibly go wrong?

_(Cut to: RAJ and STEVE sitting on the couch. RAJ is sipping a white wine as well.) _

STEVE: I really like your outfit!

RAJ: Thanks. I decided I really needed a change. I was just tired of always being the guy who everyone knew couldn't be comfortable around women.

STEVE: (Brightening) Really? You don't say!

RAJ: No. It's always been that way. Guys, I can talk to. Women, it's like they're just some kind of strange alien race I don't understand.

STEVE: I know just what you mean.

RAJ: (Sipping wine) So, today I decided no more charades. I was going to go out and buy something for myself that shows everybody the new me.

STEVE: Good for you! I remember when I first made the acknowledgment. It wasn't easy. (Notices RAJ's glass is nearly empty.) Can I get you another drink?

RAJ: (Chugs remaining wine) Yes, please. Thank you.

_(Steve takes his glass and rises. As he walks around the sofa, he looks over at BERNADETTE and HOWARD, flashes a concealed "thumbs up" and winks.)_

BERNADETTE: Actually, I think quite a lot is already going wrong…

_(Cut to Commercial)_

10


	3. Chapter 3

_The Dinner Party Convergence Act II J. Franklin  
_

** THE DINNER PARTY CONVERGENCE**

**ACT I**

_(SCENE: AMY's apartment. AMY, SHELDON, HOWARD, LEONARD, RAJ and STEVE are seated around the table. AMY is wobbling on her chair but somehow managing to stay upright. BERNADETTE and PENNY are running back and forth from the kitchen to the table with food.)_

SHELDON: I really don't understand why everything is taking so long. I arrived forty-five minutes ago; and I was already late as it was!

HOWARD: Well, maybe if you learned to drive, you wouldn't have to depend on our ever-reliable public transportation system!

SHELDON: That may be true, but watching the bus driver drink what he insisted was cough syrup from that paper bag was still highly unsettling. (_Pauses_) I don't think some of those places where he halted the bus were even stops! (_Pauses_) But it still doesn't explain why dinner is taking so long!

BERNADETTE: (_Arriving and scooping appetizers onto plates_) Well, the appetizers took a bit longer because I had to make them. (_Pauses_) Myself. Without ANY help. From ANYONE! (_Pauses) _So, they're all going to be good and everyone's going to like them! Got it?! _(HOWARD places hand on her arm and tries to calm her down._)

LEONARD: (_To PENNY_) See?

SHELDON: Why wasn't Penny here to help you?

BERNADETTE: (_Angrily_) Because apparently Leonard was being a jerk!

PENNY: (_To LEONARD_) See?

AMY: (_Slightly woozy_) Whoo-eee.

PENNY: How we doing there, Amy?

AMY: (_Blinking_) A bit better, Bestie.

PENNY: (_Nods to mug in front of AMY_) Just keep drinking that coffee.

SHELDON: I don't understand! I thought in most instances coffee was something you served after a dinner, not before!

PENNY: Yeah, well we thought we'd shake things up a bit tonight, Sheldon.

AMY: (_Dreamily to SHELDON_) Since I met you, my toothbrush doesn't really work for me any more…

SHELDON: _(To PENNY and BERNADETTE_) And I also don't understand what is with Amy's fixation on oral hygiene this evening!

LEONARD: Give it a rest, Sheldon. Lots of things aren't going right tonight.

RAJ: You can say that again. I just had another argument with my parents before coming over here.

STEVE: Really? (_Shakes his head_) Let me guess, they still want you to find a nice girl and settle down, don't they?

RAJ: (_Nods energetically_) Yes! And it's driving me crazy! No matter what I say, it's always the same thing! Why can't you just relax and find a nice Indian girl and settle down?

STEVE: (_Smiling_) Oh, I know just how you feel. _(Pauses_) More wine?

RAJ: Yes, please. Thank you.

BERNADETTE: _(Uneasy_) Um, Raj –

HOWARD: (_To BERNADETTE_) No, no, let's see how long it takes him to figure it out.

BERNADETTE: But Howie – (_HOWARD spills his wine deliberately_.)

HOWARD: Oh, my! Look at that! I made a mess! (_Quickly uses cloth napkin to blot wine_.) Let me get some paper towels! (_Rises to his feet and heads toward kitchen._)

AMY: And now we have our forty-six percent. (_Blinks several times and straightens up in her chair and flings her hair. Turns to SHELDON_) Sheldon, I was wondering if you could help me with something –

SHELDON: Yes?

AMY: Well, I'm trying to see what I should do about my Philodendron over there by the window. (Points) I can't decide if it needs more watering or more sunlight…(_SHELDON turns to look at plant. AMY quickly grabs the nearest wine bottle and refills his wine glass, splashing wine all over the table as she does so_. _PENNY quickly grabs wine bottle from her and sets it down._)

SHELDON: (_Still looking at plant_) Well, I think your first problem stems from the fact that that's actually a Pothos plant, not a Philodendron. (_Smiles_) It's a common mistake made by many unfamiliar with the subtle distinctions of horticulture. (_Pauses. Does his quick "heh-heh" laugh._) I said "stems" when talking about plants. Sometimes my whimsy amuses even me!

AMY: (Dreamily) Me, too! (_Grabs a cracker and cheese and holds it up to him._) Care for an aphrodisiac?

SHELDON: (Quizzical) Excuse me?

PENNY: I think she meant, "appetizer," right Amy?

AMY: (Blinking again) Yes. Of course. (_Picks up SHELDON'S glass_) Have some wine, too!

SHELDON: I beg your pardon?! You know I don't drink alcohol! I only have wine to compliment my meal. (_Pauses_) Although my mother always insisted if it was good enough for Jesus, it was good enough for the rest of us.

AMY: Then maybe you should have some. (_Raises glass to his lips. SHELDON takes a reluctant sip_.)

SHELDON: Mm. Not bad!

AMY: I know. (_Pauses. Takes deep breath and pants_.) Have some more!

PENNY: (_Cutting in_) I think maybe we should take it a bit more slowly, don't you, Amy?

AMY: _(Still focused on SHELDON_) No, I think the problem is I've taken things way too slowly for long enough now…

PENNY: (_Reaches across and removes wine glass from AMY'S hand_) Well, why don't we just hold off until dinner comes, okay?

AMY: (_Blinks again_) Okay.

HOWARD: (_Returning with paper towels_) And here we go! I brought some extras in case anyone else makes any (_Makes quotation marks with fingers_) "mistakes" tonight.

SHELDON: Why would anyone else be making a mistake tonight?

HOWARD: Oh, I don't know. _(Reseats himself and refills his wine glass_.) The night is still young. Who knows what might go wrong before the dinner's over? (_Winks at BERNADETTE, who glares at him_.)

LEONARD: Speaking of dinner, what is tonight's special, anyway?

BERNADETTE: (_Focused on HOWARD. He nudges her_.) Huh? Oh! Well, Amy and Penny and I had to do some figuring, but we finally decided on something that we thought would be suitable for everybody!

SHELDON: Really? What's that?

PENNY: Spaghetti and meatballs. Made with ground turkey and bread crumbs.

LEONARD: Really? Ground turkey?

AMY: (_Stares straight ahead and talks as if on "autopilot"mode._) It satisfies the basic male need for carnivorous nourishment while still respecting any possible religious prohibitions that would arise from other assorted meat and meat by-products. And since it is poultry, it can be paired equally with red or white wine depending on whether you want to serve with a tomato-based sauce or simple olive oil and parmesan, and makes for an effective dinner selection!

(_GUESTS exchange glances)_

BERNADETTE: We spent a bit of time at the gourmet grocery this afternoon.

PENNY: Amy? More coffee?

AMY: Oh. Yes. (_Takes another sip from her mug_.)

RAJ: The gourmet grocery downtown next to the flower shop?

HOWARD: (_Smiling_) Yes. Ah, that would be the one. Right next to the florist.

RAJ: I always liked that place. It reminds me of the floral arrangements our servants would make back in India.

STEVE: (_Eyes widening_) You have servants back home?

RAJ: My parents do. My father was a gynecologist. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps. But, I couldn't do that – you know, for obvious reasons!

STEVE: (_Nods_) I see. (_Reaches for wine bottle_) So, good looks and wealth too, huh?

RAJ: (_Shrugs_) You'd think so, but it never worked out that way for me. I guess that's why I went into astrophysics. I could spend all of my time working on equations without having to worry about looking up a woman's skirt every day and not knowing how to talk to her.

STEVE: That makes perfect sense to me. (_Begins refilling RAJ'S glass_.) More wine, Raj?

RAJ: Sure. Thank you.

BERNADETTE: Raj, I think –

HOWARD: Ah! Shouldn't we be checking on that dinner now, sweetie?

BERNADETTE: (_Horrified_) Oh! That's right! I left everything still on stove!

HOWARD: _(After she leaves_) She's always forgetting things. Makes me worry sometimes given that she spends her day working in a lab filled with viruses and mutant strains of bacteria! (_Pauses_) Sometimes I even have to remind her to wash her hands before she cooks dinner!

(_GUESTS all exchange uneasy glances.)_

BERNADETTE: (_Off screen_) Oh, that reminds me! Amy, where do you keep your soap?

AMY: Under the sink!

HOWARD: (_Turns to LEONARD_) So, Leonard? You've been rather quiet this evening. How have things been with you?

LEONARD: Oh, not too bad, I suppose. _(Pauses_) You know, when I'm not (_Turns to PENNY_) being a "jerk" and making us late for friends' dinner parties, I've been told.

PENNY: (_Loses temper_) Oh, my God! Will you give it a rest already?

LEONARD: (_To AMY_) You got anything stronger than wine, Amy?

BERNADETTE: (_Cutting in off camera_) I think some of us have had enough alcohol for one night!

LEONARD: What? Why? We haven't even had dinner yet!

SHELDON: (_Sighs and looks away_) And some of us are wondering if we're ever going to!

_(BERNADETTE returns with an enormous bowl of pasta and meatballs.)_

BERNADETTE: (_Trying to put the best face on things_) Dinner is served!

HOWARD: _(Excited_) Oh, boy. This looks great!

PENNY: (_Trying to be supportive_) It certainly does! Thanks, Bernadette!

BERNADETTE: (Starts to seat herself) Oh, wait! I forgot the freshly grated parmesan!

AMY: (_To SHELDON_) Do you remember that scene in "The Lady and the Tramp" when the dogs shared spaghetti?

SHELDON: Oh, yes. Mother was a big fan of Disney. She always said it was the sort of wholesome entertainment parents could rely on with their children. (Pauses) Which didn't stop me from having nightmares when Sleeping Beauty's wicked queen turned into a dragon, of course.

AMY: I'm glad. (_Begins slurping single spaghetti strand while staring at him. Makes loud kissing sound when she finishes._) I'm feeling pretty…hungry…tonight, Sheldon...

SHELDON: Oh. Well, that's nice!

HOWARD: (Cutting in) Yeah, that scene at the end of "Sleeping Beauty" was pretty terrifying as I recall.

LEONARD: Tell me about it. I was wetting the bed for months after that.

STEVE: How old were you when you saw it?

LEONARD: (_Pauses. Clearly uncomfortable._) High school…

SHELDON: At least you were a teenager when you were in high school. Some of us didn't even have that luxury!

STEVE: I remember that movie well. I think the prince was my first-ever crush when I was a little boy. (To RAJ) Who was yours?

RAJ: I'm not sure. Probably Ariel, I guess.

STEVE: Oh. Before you knew, then?

RAJ: Knew what?

HOWARD: (_Cutting in_) I always remember wondering why the prince wasn't wearing armor when he fought the dragon. It seemed like he was really just asking for trouble taking on an evil queen like that without any protection.

SHELDON: I agree.

PENNY: Speaking of outfits, Raj, where did you get yours today?

RAJ: What? Oh, I got it downtown at the place next to the flower shop and the gourmet grocer.

STEVE: (_Eyes widen_) Did you say _next to_ the grocery?

RAJ: Yes. I think it was called "Billy's Leather Emporium" or something.

STEVE: (_Aghast_) Billy's Leather Emporium?!

RAJ: Yes, I believe that was it.

HOWARD: Why did you go there?

RAJ: (Confused and defensive) Because the sign said, "For the man who is not ashamed to be who he is!"

STEVE: (_Increasingly agitated_) What did you say to the guy behind the counter when you went in?

RAJ: I said I was going to a party tonight and wanted to change my image because I was tired of having so many problems dealing with women! (_Pauses_) He was very helpful!

STEVE: Was his name Brian?

RAJ: _(Thinks_) Yes, I believe it was. Nice fellow!

STEVE: _(Looks down at plate_) Oh, boy…

(_A knock at the door._)

AMY: I'll get it. (_Wobbles to her feet._) It might be Fed Ex.

SHELDON: Are you expecting some kind of new package?

AMY: Yes. Last week I ordered a new toothbrush with a stronger setting. (_Heads toward door_)

SHELDON: I really don't understand why that girl is so obsessed with dentistry. Her teeth look fine!

_(Cut to: AMY's door. She opens it to reveal a large man in leather attire similar to RAJ'S.)_

AMY: Hi. Can I help you?

MAN: Hi. Is Raj here? (_Looks behind her_.) Ohh, I see! (_Moves past her._)

STEVE: (Eyes wide) Brian, go away!

BRIAN: (Irritated) So, only two weeks after we agree to start seeing other people, this is what you do?

STEVE: We broke up, Brian.

BRIAN: (_Nods toward RAJ_) And with a closet queen, too!

RAJ: _(Confused_) Excuse me? _(To STEVE_) He seemed so much nicer down at the store!

LEONARD: Closet queen?

BRIAN: Oh, please. (_Turns to RAJ_) I see guys like you in my store all the time. You probably haven't even had the nerve to tell your parents yet, have you?

RAJ: Tell them what?

STEVE: Hey! That's between him and his parents! And it's certainly no business of yours!

RAJ: What is everybody talking about?!

STEVE: (_To RAJ_) Relax. You're fine.

BRIAN: How long were you seeing him behind my back?

RAJ: (_Looks back to STEVE then to BRIAN_) We just met this evening!

BRIAN: Sure, you did. (_To STEVE_) You're such a slut. I should have listened to all those guys at the gym.

STEVE: The past is the past, Brian. Maybe if SOMEONE wasn't such a stalker –

BRIAN: Oh, don't give me that crap again, you selfish bitch!

STEVE: (_Pushing back his chair_) I'm a selfish bitch?! I'M a selfish BITCH?

RAJ: (_Shouting_) WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON?!

HOWARD: _(Unable to contain himself any longer_) They think you're gay, Raj!

RAJ: (_Horrified_) What?! Gay?! Why would they think I'm gay?!

(_Everyone looks at him silently._)

LEONARD: Well, uh…

SHELDON: Um…

HOWARD: Well, y'know…

STEVE: (_To RAJ_) Relax. It's okay. I know how you feel. I was once there, too.

RAJ: WHERE?! Confused at a dinner party?!

BRIAN: (_Sneering at RAJ_) Closet queen!

RAJ: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

BERNADETTE: (_Arriving back with enormous bowl of grated cheese_) COULD ALL OF YOU PLEASE PIPE DOWN!? I'M TRYING TO SERVE A DINNER HERE!

LEONARD: (Standing up and trying to calm everyone down) Okay, hold on a second. Let's all try and get a grip here –

BRIAN: Oh, I don't need to get a grip. What I need to do is forget I ever dated a two-timing son of a bitch!

STEVE: How dare you! (Grabs wine glass and flings wine in BRIAN'S face)

BERNADETTE: (_Horrified_) No! That was the expensive bottle!

BRIAN: (_Pauses. Licks lips. Turns to BERNADETTE_) Riesling with pasta? Seriously?

BERNADETTE: (_Defiant_) Hey, it was on sale!

HOWARD: (_Quietly to PENNY, LEONARD, and SHELDON_) See? She's not even one of the tribe but my mother's already taught her never to overlook the value of a discount!

LEONARD: Uh, Steve? Maybe you and Brian should take this whole thing somewhere else?

BRIAN: (_Looks down on the more diminutive LEONARD_) Oh, really? And who's going to make us?

PENNY: (_Stands up and grabs wine bottle_) I am! (_Begins beating it against the palm of her other hand_.) I've had enough of all this crap tonight. I've got a splitting headache, a hostess who's drunk, a girlfriend who's frazzled, another friend going through an emotional crisis, and a boyfriend I'm already fighting with –

BERNADETTE: And a dinner THAT'S GETTING COLD!

PENNY: And a dinner that's getting cold! Our craziness quota is all filled up, so you guys take your drama someplace else!

STEVE: (To BRIAN) See? I hope you're happy. You're ruined someone else's pleasant evening!

BRIAN: I ruined it? I ruined it? Seems to me someone else ruined it with all his lies and deception –

PENNY: (Losing it) I SAID, TAKE IT SOMEPLACE ELSE! (_Starts to climb across the table. LEONARD stops her._)

RAJ: Steve?

STEVE: What, Raj?

RAJ: I hate to tell you this, but I'm not gay.

STEVE: (Eyes widen) You're NOT?

RAJ: Yes.

STEVE: Are you sure?

RAJ: (_Looks slowly around table at everyone else before back to him_.) Pretty sure, yes!

STEVE: But – all the things you said about being uncomfortable around women, your leather outfit, the stuff with your parents –

RAJ: That's because I'm SHY! Not because I'm GAY!

BRIAN: So, wait. You mean, you're not even in the closet at all then?

RAJ: No. (_Pauses_) I don't even know what that means!

PENNY: (_Lowering her voice_) Guys? Please? Can the rest of us just get back to our dinner now? You two go grab coffee some place and talk all this over between yourselves?

STEVE: Well…

BRIAN: Well…

STEVE: The little place down the street maybe?

BRIAN: What? They make the worst espresso! I never understood how you could drink that stuff!

STEVE: Oh, please. It's all in what you add to it – (_They begin heading for the door._ _As they do, a large Fed Ex employee arrives at the door.)_

FED EX EMPLOYEE: Package for Amy Fowler?

AMY: (Raises hand) That'd be me.

FED EX EMPLOYEE: Sign here. (_AMY begins scribbling her name. FED EX EMPLOYEE notices BRIAN._)

FED EX EMPLOYEE: Brian?!

BRIAN: (_Suddenly uncomfortable_) Oh. Hello, Fred…

FRED: Why haven't you called me back? Tony told me you were single now! (_Notices Steve_) Ohh, I get it. I was just your dish on the side to make your boyfriend jealous! (_Takes signature tablet from AMY and turns to leave._)

BRIAN: No, that's not true –

STEVE: Sure it's not. You're always doing stuff like this –

BRIAN: I am not! (_AMY closes door_.)

HOWARD: He's right. They can be just as bitchy as women.

_(Everyone notices AMY still standing with her Fed Ex box by the doorway._)

PENNY: Amy? Are you alright?

AMY: Yes. I'm fine. (Pauses) I think I'm just going to go brush my teeth for a few minutes. (_Heads into bathroom.)_

SHELDON: I don't understand. First, it's coffee before dinner, now she's brushing her teeth during it? Is this some kind of sociological study I'm not aware of?

LEONARD: Just let it go, Sheldon.

SHELDON: Okay, but the whole things seems strange to me -

_(We hear a loud buzzing noise from AMY's bathroom. Suddenly, there is a loud popping sound. All the lights go out in the apartment.) _

BERNADETTE: What happened?

HOWARD: I think a circuit breaker got tripped.

PENNY: Wow. She wasn't kidding about the power settings on that toothbrush…

RAJ: Maybe she has a flashlight in her closet? (Pauses) Or is that another expression I'm also unaware of?

HOWARD: Never mind. Hang on. (_We hear stumbling around in the darkness_.)

LEONARD: What are you doing?

HOWARD: Trying to find some matches so we can light some candles! I was helping Bernadette earlier before everyone got here and I thought I saw some in one of Amy's kitchen drawers. (_More stumbling_.) Ow! (_Rummaging_) Oh, here we go! (_We see him light an enormous rolling-pin sized candle_.) This should give us plenty of light!

SHELDON: That candle's so large it could practically be a sword!

LEONARD: Yeah. You look like He-Man holding that thing!

HOWARD: Yeah, I know. (_Looks at candle and laughs_) By the power of Grayskull! (_Raises candle into the air_.) I HAVE THE POWER!

BERNADETTE: (Alarmed) Howie! You're standing right underneath –

_(The smoke alarm goes off. Suddenly, the apartment sprinkler system kicks on, drenching everyone.) _

SHELDON: (Deadpanning) Nice to see the fire alarm and suppression systems are run on separate power lines!

PENNY: Well, that pretty much ruins the evening.

BERNADETTE: AND the dinner!

RAJ: (Pauses) Hey, be happy.

PENNY: What for?

RAJ: (Shrugs) At least none of you still have five more payments on a leather outfit you're never going to wear again…

_(Cut to Commercial)_

12


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